Saturday, April 03, 2004
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I was in Pre-U. There was one gal whom I love a lot but never dared go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal.
I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.
She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & said "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what caused her to cry but laugh at her the whole day.
When everybody went back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watched her cry for an hour or so.
My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes were filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend.
The next day, she still laughed & joked with me like nothing had happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers. When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know who the guy was. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school. I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reached home, the heart ache was so strong that I couldn't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cried. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.
During graduation, I read an sms in my hp. It was sent 10 days ago when I broke down and cried. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"