Friday, July 30, 2004
-acquaintance. not friends.-
I have been really moody for the past few days. Guess it's because of the increasing stress that the teachers are putting on us. From now on every tuesday i will have to stay back for combine humanities mock exam and every Friday will be the English mock exam. I believe there will be more to come. I just can't wait to get the 'o' levels over and done with. I think i will go bonkers if this carries on for any longer.
Okay. Another reason why i'm moody. I have come to realise that i do not have any real friends at all. Maybe its due to the fact that i'm an introvert. Or maybe i just can't connect with anyone. Be it in primary school or secondary school, in class or anywhere else, i'm just this person always hanging around. Just this quiet girl with no one to talk to. Even if i have friends, they are merely acquaintances. Not my friends. Maybe if i did not get into a class where there are already cliques everywhere and these cliques are just getting together forming larger cliques, i would not end up like that. Maybe i shoud not have even come into this school at all. Maybe i shoud not have been born into this world. Or maybe i should try disappearing into thin air so that i would not have to face all the difficulties of this world. So many maybes but they can never come true.
Hate this world. Hate this life. Bloody hell. I'm felling very extremely sad now. I do not really care if people despise me for wallowing in self-pity just really upset now. So many feelings bottled up inside me. Just want to get it out but the cap is too tight and i'm already filled to the brim. Desperately need to cry but i can't. Not when my heart is hardened and i am emotionless.
I don't know what to do. I'm the cause of her misery. I can't do anything to comfort her. I know it tortures her to have an unrequited love. To be only able to look at him from far. I really wish to tell her that it would be alright, that sooner or later he will understand her love for him and reciprocate but i know i'm not in the position to do so. The guilt i feel just keeps mounting. When will this ever end? I don't wish to be someone that comes between friendships and people anymore. Just too tired. I have no more strength to carry the increasing load of guilt with me anymore. I need to leave this world and go to a far far away place. Where no one knows me and i wil never have any worries. I want to leave.
Guilt. Loneliness. When will it ever end?